Proper Sex Party Etiquette: What to Do and What Not to Do
You decided to go to a sex party as a way to continue exploring your sexuality? Maybe it's a New Year's resolution? Awesome! Before you go, I want to talk to you about some of the dos and don'ts of a sex party.
If you haven't been to one before, a sex party (or play party), is a totally new experience that might surprise you a little bit. There are also sex clubs, but in my experience, parties are more consent an comfort focused.
With sex parties come a whole new set of rules and social norms. I want to make sure you feel prepared before you head in there. We're going to talk about consent, appropriate dress, touching and watching guidelines, respect, and after-party considerations.
Consent is key.
Just because you are at a party designed for people to have sex with each other, does not mean you are entitled to anyone's body. I'll say it louder for those in the back. Just because you're at a sex party does NOT mean you are entitled to sex. Every single person could say no to you and that is totally within their right.
One of the things I love about play parties is the consent talk at the beginning of the event. Usually, there's an hour or so to mingle, get to know people and see old friends. Then, the host will gather everyone together and go over rules of the house or location, photography guidelines, and consent.
I went to my first sex party alone, shortly after moving to a new city. The consent talk helped me feel so much safer, especially after coming out of an abusive relationship. I wasn't used to being able to say no.
The parties I usually attend are hosted by Illuminaughty. What they always say is: "If it's not a hell yes, it's a no." What they mean is that if someone asks you to go play, if you aren't immediately thinking hell yes, then say no. There's a culture of respect with this group and no one will get their feelings hurt. Everyone knows that not all people or acts are for every person.
This goes the other way too. If you want to touch someone or play with someone, you have to ASK. At my first party, I felt so in control because someone asked me if I wanted touch while we watched others in the room. I politely declined and nothing bad happened! It was one of the most amazing feelings in the world.
On that note, there are situations with multiple bodies near each other. At a party, it is not okay to just reach over and touch someone who you have not had a conversation about touch with. Just because you're near someone doesn't mean you can touch them intentionally or they can touch you.
It's on you to communicate your desires and wishes. When you're at a party, you are the keeper of your own body. Unless explicitly discussed with someone beforehand, every person should be asking you before anything happens. That means it's on you to say yes or no. You can change your mind at any point. Also, condoms should be generally worn unless you have a specific conversation with that person beforehand. Make sure to discuss STI testing status as well.
On the flip side, pay attention to the body language of the people you're engaging in sexual activities with. It's sexy to ask "Is this ok?" If someone looks uncomfortable, STOP and check in with them. Body language tells us a lot if we just pay attention.
Dress appropriately.
Luckily, at a play party, there aren't any dress restrictions. It's generally a rule to stay PG on your way into the party. Not everyone wants their neighbors to know they're hosting a sex party. But once inside, you're free to do as you please.
A lot of parties have themes so it's really fun to get into it and dress for the occasion. My usual plan is to have a cute sexy outfit on (covered by a long coat as I go inside) for the mingling. Then, after the consent talk, I'll strip down to my lingerie or change into it, depending how revealing my outfit was. I've seen other people in lingerie from the moment that front door closes. Some people also prefer to get naked after the consent talk. There are also people that never take their clothes off. Really, it's all your comfort level.
Maintain a respectful attitude.
You honestly should not attend a party such as this one if you can't respect other's bodies and wishes. There will be all sorts of people at the party. Some of them will have differing sexual identities, sexualities, and sexual desires. If you can't respect each person for their choices, wants, and personalities, then I don't think a play party is the right place for you.
After sex party considerations.
If you met someone that you'd like to continue getting to know, make sure to share information. I met so many amazing people through parties and some of those relationships have continued, while some fizzled. It's important to remember that just because you had a connection with someone at a party does not mean you're entitled to their time or body after the fact. Some people want to keep their play party friends separate from their everyday lives. Everyone is entitled to their own relationship makeups.
If you go with a partner, I HIGHLY suggest a pre- and post-party brief. Setting clear expectations before the party and debriefing on what went well after the party go a long way in communication.
If you're interested in checking out my favorite party hosts, Illuminaughty, you can use my referral link below. I will get credit towards an event if you use my link. Who knows, maybe we will see each other there ;)
Dedicated to my first girlfriend. Love you boo.
