How to Know if You're in an Abusive Relationship: 8 Signs

Trigger warning: this post contains information about abusive relationship, including sexual abuse. It also contains a little bit of my personal story. If you're not ready for this right now, it will be here when you come back. Please take care of yourself in the meantime. 

Abuse in relationships can take many forms. Trust me, most of them are really hard to recognize. It’s important to be aware of the signs of abuse so you can identify unhealthy dynamics and take steps to protect yourself or help someone else. We’ll explore the warning signs of abuse, share resources for support, and dive into my own history with it. 

What is Abuse?

Abuse in a relationship occurs when one partner uses behaviors to control, intimidate, or harm the other. While physical violence is the most recognizable form, abuse can also be emotional, psychological, sexual, or financial. It's usually not one or the other. Many times, there are multiple types of abuse in one abusive relationship. Each type is damaging and can leave long-lasting effects on a person’s well-being.

Common Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Recognizing abuse isn’t always straightforward, especially when manipulation is involved. Here are some common signs to watch for:

1. Isolation: Your partner discourages or prevents you from spending time with friends and family, making you feel alone and dependent on them.

2. Control: They dictate your actions, from what you wear to how you spend your money, and make decisions for you without considering your input.

3. Intimidation: Using threats, aggressive language, or physical gestures to instill fear.

4. Emotional Manipulation: Making you feel guilty or responsible for their actions, such as saying, “If you loved me, you’d do this for me.”

5. Gaslighting: Denying your reality or making you question your memories and perceptions. For example, they might say, “That never happened” or “You’re too sensitive.”

6. Physical Violence: Any form of physical harm, such as hitting, pushing, or restraining you against your will.

7. Sexual Coercion: Pressuring or forcing you into sexual activities without your full consent.

8. Financial Abuse: Controlling your access to money, sabotaging your job, not allowing you to work, or forcing financial dependence.

Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships

The number one question I got when I opened up about the abuse in my relationship was "Why didn't you leave?" Please, please, please, don't ask someone that after they confide in you. I can guarantee they already have that question floating around in their mind, nagging them day in and day out.

Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t as simple as it may seem. Survivors often face significant barriers, such as:

• Fear of retaliation or harm.
  
• Emotional attachment to the abuser.
• Financial dependence or lack of resources.
• Concern for children or shared responsibilities.
• Shame or self-blame.
• Questioning their reality.

Understanding these barriers can help us approach survivors with compassion rather than judgment. And if you are a survivor facing any of those listed barriers, or others, you are not alone! It's not as easy as just breaking up and leaving. Abusers work to make you dependent on them, unsure of your reality, full of shame, blame yourself, etc. so they can keep abusing you! And they're really good at it. 

My Personal Experience in an Abusive Relationship

I want to start this off by sharing that a lot had to happen for me to realize what was happening in my marriage. I am a sexual assault nurse examiner (I do forensic exams for patients that have been sexually assaulted) and I still didn't realize that I probably needed one done too. So if you're out there kicking yourself for taking the time you did to leave or wondering why you didn't see the signs sooner, please don't. You only know what you know and your brain will do crazy things to protect you. 

I never thought I’d find myself in an abusive relationship. For years, I didn’t recognize the red flags or I blocked them out. Slowly, we started to see my family less and my friend group got smaller until eventually his friends were my friends too. He isolated me and made me dependent on him for friendship and social interaction.

My ex-husband would use the defense of being "kinky" to hide behind what he was really doing to me, which was raping me. I didn't understand why my libido tanked and I could only think about having sex with him when I was drunk. Why didn't I want kids anymore? Why did I jump whenever he got angry? Surely, something was wrong with me. 

There were moments of doubt when I would see the tip of a red flag, but he’d cry and make it about him. He was sorry. There's something wrong with him. He doesn't deserve to live. I'm a natural caretaker, of course I would want to help. I felt trapped and ashamed, convinced that if I just tried harder, things would improve.

It wasn’t until I confided in a trusted friend that I began to see the truth: I was in an abusive relationship, and it wasn’t my fault. It truly didn't hit me until someone said to me "That's marital rape." That comment changed my life as I knew it. Everything finally fell into place and made sense. Old memories that I tucked away, never wanting to see again came to the surface. My rose-colored glasses were shattered. 

Finding Freedom and Healing

Leaving wasn’t easy, and I spent a lot of time thinking about staying too. I thought he could change. I thought I would always be alone. It wasn't until I decided that I deserved more that I made the decision to leave. And it was the best decision I ever made.

Therapy, support groups, journaling, and leaning on loved ones helped me rebuild my confidence and rediscover my voice. Today, I’m committed to raising awareness about abuse, so others don’t feel as alone as I once did.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step toward change. If any of the behaviors described here resonate with you, know that you’re not alone. Help is available, and there is a way out. Abuse thrives in silence, so let’s continue to have open conversations about it.

For more information or to speak with someone confidentially, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline or a trusted resource in your area. Your safety and well-being matter.

Resources for Support

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there are resources available to provide help and guidance:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Offers confidential support 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
• Love is Respect: Focuses on young adults and provides chat, text, and phone support.
• RAINN: Specializes in support for survivors of sexual abuse.