Not all red flags in relationships are obvious. While some unhealthy behaviors are blatant, like yelling or physical violence, others can be harder to detect. Subtle red flags can quietly destroy your confidence, well-being, and trust in yourself. Recognizing them early (and not ignoring them) can help you make informed decisions about your relationship. Here are ten often-overlooked warning signs to watch for.

1. They Dismiss Your Feelings

If your partner regularly tells you, “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive,” they may be invalidating your emotions. A healthy relationship involves listening and respecting each other’s perspectives. No one else should tell you how to feel. 

2. They Make Backhanded Comments

Insults disguised as jokes or compliments that feel more like criticisms can undermine your self-esteem. For example, “You look great today, for once” is a subtle way of putting you down. If something they say feels shady, it probably is.

3. They Avoid Accountability

When your partner refuses to take responsibility for their mistakes, it can lead to a cycle of blame. If every argument ends with you apologizing, even when they’re at fault, it’s a red flag. Abusers tend to be good at making themselves look like the victims. 

4. They Control Decision-Making

Do they always choose what you eat, where you go, what you wear, who you spend time with or how you spend your free time? Subtle control over small decisions can snowball into larger issues over time. You know yourself better than anyone else. 

5. They Rarely Celebrate Your Wins

A supportive partner will cheer you on. If they seem indifferent to your achievements or downplay them, it may stem from insecurity or jealousy. Once, I had a date literally reach across the table to "brush the chip" off my shoulder after sharing my achievement. Not cool. 

6. They Keep You at a Distance from Loved Ones

Subtle isolation tactics include discouraging you from spending time with friends or family or making you feel guilty for prioritizing those relationships. Another thing to pay attention to is if they can't leave you alone with other people. Are they always tagging along to dinners with friends? Do you have your own friends and they have theirs? It might be interesting what you find out when you ask yourself those questions. 

7. They Withhold Affection as Punishment

Affection should not be conditional. If your partner withholds love, attention, or intimacy when they’re upset, it’s a way of exerting control. Or the reverse is also true. When you're upset, do they force love and affection on you until you drop it?

8. They Use Passive-Aggressive Communication

Comments like “I guess I’ll just do everything myself” or "I guess you don't love me then" instead of directly addressing issues can create confusion and frustration. Healthy communication is clear and direct.

9. They Keep You Guessing About Their Feelings

Hot-and-cold behavior—being loving one moment and distant the next—can make you feel emotionally unstable. Consistency is key in a healthy relationship. You shouldn't be kept on your toes constantly about what their next move will be. 

10. They Downplay Your Interests or Hobbies

If they mock or belittle the things you’re passionate about, it’s a sign they’re not respecting your individuality. Partners should celebrate what makes you unique, not tear it down. Abusers want to be able to control you. If you have your own hobbies and interests, that leaves something out of their control. 

What to Do if You Recognize These Red Flags

If any of these behaviors resonate with you, it’s essential to reflect on how they make you feel and how they’re affecting your mental and emotional health. Open communication can sometimes resolve misunderstandings, but persistent issues may require deeper evaluation of the relationship’s future.

Resources for Help

If you feel unsafe or unsure about your relationship, consider reaching out for support. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential help 24/7. Additionally, confiding in a trusted friend, therapist, or counselor can provide clarity and guidance. Opening up to my friends revealed what was hiding under the surface and it made all the difference. 

The freebie I have "Toxic vs. Healthy Relationship Checklist" can also help you compare the different traits and determine where your relationship falls on that spectrum.

Recognizing subtle red flags is the first step toward creating a healthier and more fulfilling partnership. Remember, you deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe in your relationship.