Reclaiming Your Sexuality After a Toxic Relationship: A Guide to Healing and Empowerment
Trigger Warning: This post contains content related to sexual assault and abuse. If you aren't ready, please take care of yourself and come back when you're ready.
After my separation, I didn't feel connected to my sexuality. That part of myself felt so foreign and difficult to grasp. I spent more than half of my sexual life at that time immersed in abuse. The disconnect made sense.
Many survivors of toxic relationships or sexual assault struggle to reclaim their sexuality, overwhelmed by shame, guilt, or fear. This post will provide actionable steps and encouragement to help others in similar situations as me reconnect to their sexual selves.
How Toxic Relationships Affect Your Sexuality
Manipulation, coercion, or emotional abuse have a huge effect on intimacy, or lack thereof. After being treated that way by someone else, it's easy to lose trust in yourself and others.
Violation that occurs with toxic relationships forces you to put up walls to protect yourself. You may not even realize it until you're out of the relationship and are now disconnected from your body and desires. During my marriage, I never had a desire to have sex, or I had to drink a lot to do it. I didn't understand. I blamed myself and felt guilty for my low libido. Only after I got out did I realize I was so fearful of being vulnerable around my abuser.
It's hard, but eventually the connection to your body comes back. Give yourself time to heal. Don't rush anything.
Healing Starts With Kindness to Yourself
After a toxic relationship, you're not only dealing with a breakup, but now you have to find yourself again. Manipulative partners are really good at making you feel co-dependent on them. Don't beat yourself up about any feelings you might be having post-breakup. I felt a variety of emotions including relief, fear, guilt, shame, and anger. You're not wrong, broken, or unworthy, no matter what you're feeling.
Please be kind to yourself. Trust me, I know it's easier said than done. When you notice those negative thoughts coming up, try and reframe them. Act like you're talking to a close friend instead. What would you say to them?
Journaling helps so much! I used journals just to sort out my thoughts. Once you want to work towards exploring your sexuality again, the Ignite the Self journal could help.
It can also be tempting to rush into a new relationship (yes, I have done this before too). But this is the perfect time for you to focus on yourself without anyone telling you what you should be doing with your life. Go do what you want to do! Discover who you are. Learning to love yourself is only going to set you up for success by knowing what you deserve.
Rediscover Your Relationship With Your Own Body
Reconnecting to your body is a huge step. For me, it was a slow build. I took my time working up to partnered sex. Before that, I started slowly exploring solo sex.
There are so many things you can do to start back on the path to your sexuality. You can start with mindful touch, like self-massage, hugging yourself, or even slowly putting lotion on. Getting used to any touch again is really helpful, even if it's your own.
A key point in all of this is to explore your body without judgement. What feels good for you? You may find things that you liked before your relationship, no longer work for you. Find out what those new pleasures could be.
Vibrators and other pleasure toys help enhance that discovery. It's just you so there's no pressure. You can keep exploring in a safe way. I also found it helpful (and still do) to create a ritual for self-pleasure. Treat yourself well! Light a candle to set the mood, play some soothing music, and focus on your breathing to make yourself feel loved. I also like to put on lingerie, even when it's just me.
What Does Intimacy Mean to You Now?
Now that you're on this path to discovering your sexuality, you'll notice there are more ways to be intimate. Intimacy isn't just physical. Find out what your emotional and intellectual needs are too.
One way to do this is by journaling. There are prompts in the Ignite the Self journal to help you explore your boundaries, fantasies, and what intimacy means to you. Once you find your boundaries, it can be easier to say "no" without feeling guilt. Knowing and communicating your boundaries is one of the biggest forms of self-love.
As you keep going, you'll go over a lot of hurdles. Sometimes you'll fall, but remember you'll get back up. That's why you should celebrate the small wins. Any time you successfully say no rather than staying silent, set aside time for self-pleasure, or read about sexual wellness, congratulate yourself. You took another step towards healing.
How to Build Trust and Healthy Intimacy Again
I'll say it until I'm blue in the face, but communication is the best way to have a healthy sex life. By trusting yourself and your partner(s), you'll create an even deeper connection than sex can.
Do this by talking to your partner(s) about your past experiences (when you're ready), explain how they can support you, and encourage mutual respect. I practiced by having a conversation about my boundaries and expectations of sex before ever getting physical with someone. If they supported me, then I felt I could put myself in a vulnerable situation with them. If they didn't, they weren't worth my time and I was happy to move on.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone
Healing from a toxic relationship is not easy. Gather a support system. Find the people you can trust and share with them what you're comfortable sharing. But remember that not everyone is entitled to your story. A simple "I don't want to talk about it" works when faced with an uncomfortable question.
Therapy is another great resource. For those that are able, having a non-biased person to listen can be a huge help. There are also many resources out there with articles, blogs, and discussion boards.
Remember that whatever you're feeling is okay! It's so hard to find yourself again and reclaim your sexuality. You're worth the time and effort.
TLDR
- Recap: Healing and reclaiming your sexuality after a toxic relationship is a journey, but it’s one worth taking.
- Encouragement: Celebrate every small step toward self-love and intimacy. You deserve a healthy, fulfilling relationship with yourself and others.
- Join my email list below to stay up to date on posts, products and resources. This is a community of people that have similar struggles and we can support one another through this.
Resources
BTR.org
The articles and podcast episodes at Betrayal Trauma Recovery helped me realize that I wasn't being treated right. I kept asking myself if I was overreacting or making things up. BTR was there every time I questioned if I was the problem.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
The National Domestic Violence Hotline gives resources for those in unsafe situations, helps you identify abuse, and plan for safety.
